More Humorous Prose

Posts: 427
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2004 1:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by Hawke »

Because I still need more humor, I'm posting yet another prose piece that I performed way back in high school as a member of the drama club. This piece is actually a column by Dave Barry who, if you aren't aware, is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. I performed several of his pieces during my tenure at secondary school. Following is one of my favorite pieces. It's a tad sexist, but still funny.



I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If

you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium

on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their

bodies except paint, those people will be males.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn

mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual

number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

There would be no such words as "wedgie" and "noogie." Also, if

women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be-I

sincerely believe this-virtually no military conflicts, and when

there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just

awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful

notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by

a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the


So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the

exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this

particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his

primary objective-follow me closely here-is to purchase clothes

that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants,

and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when

he finds a pair that fits, he buys them.

Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their

pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back

label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line,

you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a

52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display

this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign

that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for

clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her

particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her

primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore

when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as

"8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question

has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman

was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8

outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She

can't! Her size is 8! So she will keep trying on size 8 items,

and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely


She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting

patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,

trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of

night-vision binoculars.

"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes

the electricity goes out at night and . . ."

"Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.

This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers

"yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he

answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE

NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I

think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls

see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize

their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand

to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO


The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you

Know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said

this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote:

"I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms

far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called

"SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were

originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the

words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably

get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic

activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn

mower racing.


Hope you enjoyed it!
User avatar
Posts: 8673
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2004 12:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by Peg »

LMAO! That is great! :D
Posts: 1852
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by Paula »

the average size "healthy" woman today is a size (14). some are genetic wise tiny's, but too many have eating dis-orders that make them the size of a child with no muscle mass. size 2 to me is not funny at all. what is your point? :sneaky: too tiny not good. :rolleyes:
Everyone has these on their face? TULIPS.
User avatar
Posts: 8673
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2004 12:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by Peg »

This piece was meant in humor, not to be taken seriously. Geesh :-2
lady cop
Posts: 14744
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by lady cop »

i like dave barry, but if you want to laugh until you cry, pick up a book by carl
Posts: 1852
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:00 pm

More Humorous Prose

Post by Paula »

[QUOTE=Peg]This piece was meant in humor, not to be taken seriously. Geesh :-2[/QUOTE

Peg, i knew you had an answer? what did you find enjoyable about this title? humor, is good, bring some on? hahahahaha :wah:
Everyone has these on their face? TULIPS.

Return to “Poetry Writing Forum”