A really hard time...HELP!

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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

As most of you know, I lost my husband in March. All the holidays and birthdays have been really hard, but I've made it thru them. Tomorrow, Dec. 5th, would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I've known it was coming up, but I wasn't prepared for everything that was coming with it. It's like all the hurt and pain has stabbed me in the heart all over again. The flashbacks of finding him dead, the visitation and the funeral have all returned...along with the disbelief that he is actually gone.

I think that maybe it may have to do with the fact that all the other special days I've been able to share with others that miss him too. Our anniversary was our special day, and is meaningless to everyone else...so this time I feel as if I'm alone on this one. I'm so lost, and I miss him with all my heart and soul as much as I did when I lost him.

Has anyone else gone thru this on your anniversary after losing your spouse?

I know each person is different and their grief is different. How did you handle it? How did you make it thru it?

I guess what I'm looking for is someone that has gone thru this before so I don't feel so alone in it all. :-1:-1
K.Snyder
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by K.Snyder »

You know he'd not want you to feel upset. You'd know he'd want you to celebrate his life and not morn his death. It's easy for me to say this because I haven't lost anyone I've felt as close as you'd felt for him but to be honest there is absolutely no benefit to yourself to feel horrible against his wishes because I can attest that I'd personally not want anyone to morn my death. Of course I imagine it's hard for you or anyone that has lost a loved one so hopefully you can take some sort of comfort in knowing people duly LOVE you as a person because it's damn hard not to :yh_wink
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CARLA
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by CARLA »

Well said KS well said. Shellbell we are here for you just know that we will do our best to get you through this day and others as well.

Remember the good times and those times that you shared with your husband that brought a smile to your face and laughter. :-6
ALOHA!!

MOTTO TO LIVE BY:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.

WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"

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G-man
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by G-man »

Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you. :-6


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along-for-the-ride
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by along-for-the-ride »

I offer you this article I found, shellbell. Maybe you will find something in it that may help you through this season. Always remember, you do have friends here at FG who do care about you.

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If you have lost a loved one, you might be wondering how to cope with your grief this holiday season.

With the first fallen leaf of autumn, we begin to anticipate the holidays ahead. Our senses are acute and take in everything: the smell of turkey roasting and freshly baked pies; the holiday songs playing on the radio; the sound of laughter from our loved ones who have gathered together. But for those of us who are experiencing illness, grief, or the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be a time of sadness, pain, anger, or dread.

The ebb and flow of grief can overwhelm us with waves of memories, especially during the holidays. Grief will also magnify the stress that is already a part of the holiday season. How do we begin to fill the emptiness we feel when it seems everyone else is overflowing with joy? There are some strategies to help you cope during the holidays and beyond.

Strategies for Survival

Offer Yourself Some Grace

The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.

Be Kind to Yourself

Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.

Ask For and Accept Help

The holiday season is no time to feign strength and independence. You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.

In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.

The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.

Find Support

Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support to you. Support groups for caregivers and the bereaved are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suites you. Support group members often make friends that end up being a source of support for years to come.

Make a Difference

Most of us like to help others during the holiday season. Taking the ornament off the tree at the mall, dropping our change in the charity basket, or donating to our favorite organization can help us feel like we are contributing to a greater good. Helping others in times of grief can help take the focus off yourself and your pain. Volunteering at a nursing home, hospital, children’s shelter, or soup kitchen can be cathartic in times of pain. Even helping a friend or family member in need can be healing.

Stop the Comparisons

It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived. Keep in mind that the holidays are stressful for most families and are rarely the magical gatherings depicted in greeting cards. Try to embrace what you have rather than compare it to what you think others have.

Remember That You Will Survive

As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities. But, it’s also just fine to have a good time in spite of your grief. If happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an injustice by feeling joyous. The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest.
Life is a Highway. Let's share the Commute.
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Odie
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by Odie »

G-man;1269808 wrote: Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you. :-6


I've mentioned this to Shell, and to get out of the house for the day, but it's their first anniversary apart, and first's of anything when you have just lost someone you love so much, is not easy to deal with.
Life is just to short for drama.
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

K.Snyder;1269793 wrote: You know he'd not want you to feel upset. You'd know he'd want you to celebrate his life and not morn his death. It's easy for me to say this because I haven't lost anyone I've felt as close as you'd felt for him but to be honest there is absolutely no benefit to yourself to feel horrible against his wishes because I can attest that I'd personally not want anyone to morn my death. Of course I imagine it's hard for you or anyone that has lost a loved one so hopefully you can take some sort of comfort in knowing people duly LOVE you as a person because it's damn hard not to :yh_wink


Awe, thanks Kev...that means a lot. :-4
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

CARLA;1269797 wrote: Well said KS well said. Shellbell we are here for you just know that we will do our best to get you through this day and others as well.

Remember the good times and those times that you shared with your husband that brought a smile to your face and laughter. :-6


G-man;1269808 wrote: Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you. :-6


Thanks Carla and G...there are so many special and wonderful memories I have of Grant and thankfully so many of them are locked in my heart and mind so I can cherish them whenever I want. We had one of those "once in a lifetime" kinda loves and thankfully we both knew it...we were soul mates, best friends...we were two halves that made a whole. I no longer know who I am...since he died, I'm just a half...a half that needs to learn again how to be a whole by myself. I think that is a part of this unbelievably intense pain I feel...when he died, a part of me did too. :-1
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

Odie;1269826 wrote: I've mentioned this to Shell, and to get out of the house for the day, but it's their first anniversary apart, and first's of anything when you have just lost someone you love so much, is not easy to deal with.


You're right sis, all the firsts have been really hard, but this first anniversary without him has been the hardest of all.
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

Thanks for posting that article aftr...I've seen things like this, but still some people just don't understand it. I've already warned my family, I may not be going around for Christmas, or I may, it just all depends on how I'm doing and if I'm up to it that day. This article can help others understand better what a person in mourning is going thru...and thank you for your friendship. :-4
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Oscar Namechange
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by Oscar Namechange »

shelbell;1269782 wrote: As most of you know, I lost my husband in March. All the holidays and birthdays have been really hard, but I've made it thru them. Tomorrow, Dec. 5th, would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I've known it was coming up, but I wasn't prepared for everything that was coming with it. It's like all the hurt and pain has stabbed me in the heart all over again. The flashbacks of finding him dead, the visitation and the funeral have all returned...along with the disbelief that he is actually gone.

I think that maybe it may have to do with the fact that all the other special days I've been able to share with others that miss him too. Our anniversary was our special day, and is meaningless to everyone else...so this time I feel as if I'm alone on this one. I'm so lost, and I miss him with all my heart and soul as much as I did when I lost him.

Has anyone else gone thru this on your anniversary after losing your spouse?

I know each person is different and their grief is different. How did you handle it? How did you make it thru it?

I guess what I'm looking for is someone that has gone thru this before so I don't feel so alone in it all. :-1:-1 Your very like myself Shell in that some-times It is easier to talk of our lost ones from behind a screen in cyber space. From here, no-one can see the tears or hear the crack in your voice. I can not Imagine how you are going to cope on your anniversary and at Christmas as It will be the first year you are without Grant. I do know that I came very close to being In your situation 3 years ago had It not been for a brilliant surgeon. I am also aware that I may be in your situation one day very soon. Like you and Grant, my husband Is my absolute soul mate and naturally It occurs to me what I will do when the time comes. The truthful answer Is that I don't have a clue. What I do know Is that my husband would not want me to grieve, but to be happy In all I do in the future. You will be doing Grant an honour If you can be happy for him. I know that Is easier to say than actually do. With me, I know that it is coming. With you, Grant dying was so sudden which makes It all the harder. Grief affects people differently. All I can offer In some way of help, is to say, try not to be alone on those days. Fill your days with family and friends and drink a toast to Grant each day. Don't be afraid to talk about him as the more you remember him, the closer he Is to you. I'll be thinking Of you at Christmas and your anniversary. :-4
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

oscar;1269868 wrote: Your very like myself Shell in that some-times It is easier to talk of our lost ones from behind a screen in cyber space. From here, no-one can see the tears or hear the crack in your voice. I can not Imagine how you are going to cope on your anniversary and at Christmas as It will be the first year you are without Grant. I do know that I came very close to being In your situation 3 years ago had It not been for a brilliant surgeon. I am also aware that I may be in your situation one day very soon. Like you and Grant, my husband Is my absolute soul mate and naturally It occurs to me what I will do when the time comes. The truthful answer Is that I don't have a clue. What I do know Is that my husband would not want me to grieve, but to be happy In all I do in the future. You will be doing Grant an honour If you can be happy for him. I know that Is easier to say than actually do. With me, I know that it is coming. With you, Grant dying was so sudden which makes It all the harder. Grief affects people differently. All I can offer In some way of help, is to say, try not to be alone on those days. Fill your days with family and friends and drink a toast to Grant each day. Don't be afraid to talk about him as the more you remember him, the closer he Is to you. I'll be thinking Of you at Christmas and your anniversary. :-4


Thanks oscar and I do pray for another miracle for Peter. Please don't fool yourself tho, my mom knew for some time before my dad died, but that didn't help her after he passed. It was every bit as painful and difficult for her as it was for me losing Grant so suddenly...you can never prepare yourself for a death. I've learned a lot from books I've read on being a widow, but I've learned the most from my mom.

We always talk about Grant and are never afraid to talk openly about him...I think this helps our girls as much as it does me. His picture is even my wallpaper on my PC. I'm the type that needs to mourn on my own...it's even harder when I'm with others, so what I will do these days I do not know, I'll only know when they get here.

I wish you and Peter many, many more wonderful years together...and if God decides otherwise, you know where I am. :-4
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

And oscar...please read the thread i started on general chit chat about dreams...I hope you can get something good from it. I was going to post it here, but I hope maybe it can help more people posted there.
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Odie
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by Odie »

for Saturday





:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs
Life is just to short for drama.
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shelbell
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by shelbell »

Odie;1269918 wrote: for Saturday





:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs


Awe, I missed this one sis, but I felt it. :-4
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Odie
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by Odie »

shelbell;1270530 wrote: Awe, I missed this one sis, but I felt it. :-4


I knew you would.:yh_flower
Life is just to short for drama.
nok
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by nok »

Shel,

We are here for you :yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs:yh_hugs

You are a very special person and you are loved by many people here, including me !!! :) :-4

Just take it one day at a time, hun. Your Grant's spirit is with you and your children. The love that you both have for each other will never fade away.

Yes, it is difficult because your loss is recent but you are not alone- please remember that. You've got us !!! :) :)

So, please don't forget, Shel :

WE LOVE YOU !!!!! :-4 and we always will ! :)
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
Mia
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A really hard time...HELP!

Post by Mia »

shelbell;1269782 wrote: As most of you know, I lost my husband in March. All the holidays and birthdays have been really hard, but I've made it thru them. Tomorrow, Dec. 5th, would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I've known it was coming up, but I wasn't prepared for everything that was coming with it. It's like all the hurt and pain has stabbed me in the heart all over again. The flashbacks of finding him dead, the visitation and the funeral have all returned...along with the disbelief that he is actually gone.

I think that maybe it may have to do with the fact that all the other special days I've been able to share with others that miss him too. Our anniversary was our special day, and is meaningless to everyone else...so this time I feel as if I'm alone on this one. I'm so lost, and I miss him with all my heart and soul as much as I did when I lost him.

Has anyone else gone thru this on your anniversary after losing your spouse?

I know each person is different and their grief is different. How did you handle it? How did you make it thru it?

I guess what I'm looking for is someone that has gone thru this before so I don't feel so alone in it all. :-1:-1


Yes I so understand hun. I lost my hubby nine months ago he was 59. The first christmas wedding anniversary and his birthday have been so difficult.I still have the anniversary of his death to go through. I have to believe that time is a healer,I know we will never forget or stop loving them,but so hope that the pain and tears do get less. Lots of love to you.

Mia xx

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