surviving grief

Discussion group for bereaved people.This forum offers support, understanding, compassion and hope to bereaved people, struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their loved ones.
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Carolly
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Post by Carolly »

A very moving post Jim and one that I have no answers to.We have to sort our own minds out and have found nobody else can.Oh others will say the right things and be there for you but they cant take that pain away deep in your heart that is there when you lie down and with you when you wake up.Time is the only healer and even then nobody can say just how much time.Yes you have your good days when you hear that bird singing or smile when you see something funny but then those black clouds appear again and you realise you are not through your storm yet.Grief is one of the most painful experiences we ever have to encounter and one of a child is something that hurts so much you cant even ever hope to be "normal" again.We may act the fool.....we may laugh that extra bit to loud....we may act out our days being everybody's friend and not having a care in the world but our pillow see our tears at night and our heart knows the truth.

Jim God Bless you and your dear Family.x
Women are bitchy and predictable ...men are not and that's the key to knowing the truth.
Mia
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Post by Mia »

Jimbo you have been through the worse kind of loss imaginable my heart goes out to you and your family. It is true what you say about people avoiding you as they do not know what to say,all it takes is a few kind words or a hug.

We do have to work through all the emotions denial anger you name it,but finaly comes acceptance.The scars never heal but we learn to live again.The loved ones we have lost,live on in our hearts and minds forever.

Mia xx
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along-for-the-ride
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Post by along-for-the-ride »

Many of those emotions that you went through Jimbo...........I also went through, especially after the loss of my son years ago. Grief is not just one emotion, it is several. Time does help some..........and a hug from someone who will listen to you. I'm listening. :)

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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

My husbands 4 yr old son died in his arms after battling cancer for most of his life. Not fair. Why did my lovely mum drag on for weeks paralised by a stroke? Why did my dad suffer for 4 yrs from lung cancer when he never smoked? Why did my sister die of breast cancer when she never smoked or drank? I think it's because we have to feel. If we don't, man would destoy the human race. We have to be taught compassion, sympathy etc & to teach the human race those things, some have to suffer. If we suffer, we become better people, we learn but we learn the hard way. I have some horrid memories but i try to think back to my dad teaching me to ride my bike, my mum wrapping me up warm, my sister baking me a cake cos i was **** at cooking. I know i'll see their faces again. In my family, we NEVER say goodbye, only, until we are re-united.:-1:-1:-1
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
qsducks
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Post by qsducks »

I lost my 2nd pregnancy in the first trimester. It was so awful. Devastated would be a great word. I always think of that baby who would have been born somewhere in January of that year. And when I lost that soul my inlaws acted like it was no big deal. Nobody on hub's side said a word, but my good girlfriends really gave me the motivation to deal with it and so did my great family. And frankly, I wish I had known all of you when I was dealing with it.
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

qsducks;981124 wrote: I lost my 2nd pregnancy in the first trimester. It was so awful. Devastated would be a great word. I always think of that baby who would have been born somewhere in January of that year. And when I lost that soul my inlaws acted like it was no big deal. Nobody on hub's side said a word, but my good girlfriends really gave me the motivation to deal with it and so did my great family. And frankly, I wish I had known all of you when I was dealing with it.
Me too! I have a friend who just lost a baby after trying for years. I could offer a little help. My brother & his wife had a still born baby girl at xmas, i could help a little. I too lost a baby girl many years ago. You will remember every birthday, every christmas, when they should be starting school, going to college etc etc. All the time your baby is in your mind growing up, they are alive. You will take your baby to your grave as until the day you die, your child will be in your thoughts where no-one can take them away from you again. Your loss will make you a "Helper". One day, some-one will need you & you can be there for them.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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kazalala
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Post by kazalala »

This is a good post Jimbo and a good thread. I say that because sometimes its easier to pour our heart and feelings out ot virtual "strangers" than it is to your own loved ones. Those close to you are usually hurting too, and hurt more to see you in pain, so you tend not to talk about it too much to them. When i first met Carolly i had hardly known her a day or two when i poured out my hurt to her,, she was there willing to listen and let me talk, and give the best words of comfort she could. luckily it didnt put her off wanting to know me:o so a thread like this where someone can come and say the things they want to say, vent , cry, whatever,, yes its good:):-4 and even though i have lost a child,,, i still dont know what to say to someone who has also lost a child:thinking:




FOC THREAD PART1

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Martin Luther King Jr.
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

What pissed me off when my dad died was there were many many people who would approach me & didn't cross the road. I knew why. They'd all tell me what a lovely man he was then ask "How old was he"? He was 80. You'd then see a look of "Oh, that's o.k. then". The most common remark after that would be "Well he had a good innings". I wanted to say "So that makes it alright does it? He was 80 so i can stop grieving". I had to remind myself that these were people who had not lost any one so dear & they just simply did not know what to say. It is so hard for people to know what to say. My dad went & exactly ayr later, my mum went. Six months later, my sister went aged 50, then weeks later my only aunt went. After that i could see people looking at me thinking "God" but then they just did not know what to say any more. People are more frightened of saying the wrong thing so they do cross the road etc. I find that if i knew the person some-one has lost, it's lovely to give them a memory of yours. By saying "Hey, i remember when your mum did this or your son did that", you acknowledge their life. I just think that's a nice thing to do & we should not be afraid to do it. More often, it's what people in grief want to hear.:-1:-1:-1
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

fuzzy butt;981269 wrote: Well my best friend from school died in a car accident last night .

I only know about it because it was just around the corner from mums. think I'll get the photos out today and go through them. so if I'm a bit off with the typing today this is why I havent had much sleep.
We may have our differences Fuzzy, but i am genuinely sorry about your friend. I still visit the grave of my friend who dropped down dead from a heart attack at 17 yrs old. No-one knew she had an enlarged heart as it was yrs ago before things like that were detected in babies & children. It was yrs ago but i could never forget her.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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guppy
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Post by guppy »

oscar;981199 wrote: What pissed me off when my dad died was there were many many people who would approach me & didn't cross the road. I knew why. They'd all tell me what a lovely man he was then ask "How old was he"? He was 80. You'd then see a look of "Oh, that's o.k. then". The most common remark after that would be "Well he had a good innings". I wanted to say "So that makes it alright does it? He was 80 so i can stop grieving". I had to remind myself that these were people who had not lost any one so dear & they just simply did not know what to say. It is so hard for people to know what to say. My dad went & exactly ayr later, my mum went. Six months later, my sister went aged 50, then weeks later my only aunt went. After that i could see people looking at me thinking "God" but then they just did not know what to say any more. People are more frightened of saying the wrong thing so they do cross the road etc. I find that if i knew the person some-one has lost, it's lovely to give them a memory of yours. By saying "Hey, i remember when your mum did this or your son did that", you acknowledge their life. I just think that's a nice thing to do & we should not be afraid to do it. More often, it's what people in grief want to hear.:-1:-1:-1



You have really good advice there Oscar..speaking of something i remember from the deceased's life is a really good idea.i will remember that one..thanks..
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

Even when my dad became really bad with lung cancer, i never thought he'd die. Dad's don't die do they? Other peoples dad's die, not mine, he's super human, he'll live forever. It was a few yrs ago now but i still love it when some-one says "hey, your dad beat me at cricket, your dad sold me a car" etc I want to hear it, it's a comfort, it keeps him alive.:-1:-1:-1
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

oscar;981298 wrote: Even when my dad became really bad with lung cancer, i never thought he'd die. Dad's don't die do they? Other peoples dad's die, not mine, he's super human, he'll live forever. It was a few yrs ago now but i still love it when some-one says "hey, your dad beat me at cricket, your dad sold me a car" etc I want to hear it, it's a comfort, it keeps him alive.:-1:-1:-1



i lost my partner of only 12yrs, three years ago on the 18th of october.

its a bad time for me right now as i can remember every little detail leading up to that day, how he was getting pains in his chest but refused to go to the docs cos it was "only indigestion "

his first love was darts so every year his old team mates hold a memorial darts match for him.

loads of people turn up for it, we have pictures on the walls of him, in the pub its played in and the money raised goes to our air ambulance, something else that was dear to him.

it keeps him alive to all of us.
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

Helen;981333 wrote: i lost my partner of only 12yrs, three years ago on the 18th of october.

its a bad time for me right now as i can remember every little detail leading up to that day, how he was getting pains in his chest but refused to go to the docs cos it was "only indigestion "

his first love was darts so every year his old team mates hold a memorial darts match for him.

loads of people turn up for it, we have pictures on the walls of him, in the pub its played in and the money raised goes to our air ambulance, something else that was dear to him.

it keeps him alive to all of us.
Oh lovely Cornwall Helen. I'm so sorry about your loss. You are absolutely doing the right thing, having a purpose for his life & constant reminders like pictures on the wall. I know people that have packed the photo's away etc when they lose some-one almost afraid to look at them incase it hurts. My husband was given 9 months to live two yrs ago. Same as your partner, typical man, wouldn't go to the Dr. He was found in the advanced stages of prostate cancer. Thanks to a wonderfull surgeon, it has yet to re-appear. He hasn't got the all clear but we had a narrow escape. I vowed that if he went, i would set up a fishing club for young anglers. He wants me to donate all his lifes fishing eqipment to youngsters to learn. I know that would help me, seeing young kids learn the craft from his gear. The person only dies if you forget them. The more who remember them, the more alive they are for you. We are going to Cornwall for a late holiday. We love it down there. OSCAR
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Odie
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Post by Odie »

fuzzy butt;981269 wrote: Well my best friend from school died in a car accident last night .

I only know about it because it was just around the corner from mums. think I'll get the photos out today and go through them. so if I'm a bit off with the typing today this is why I havent had much sleep.



Oh I am so very sorry for your friend, my sincere apologies hun!



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Odie
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Post by Odie »

My dad and I were close, he taught me how to fish every year at the cottage, we would go out at 6 am, back out again later and again around 9pm, he taught me how to use the boat and motor, he taught me catch & release and why.

He died in 1965 of a heart attack, I was only 13, he was only 40...............I was in shock for two weeks............it was time that it took, tons and tons of time and wondering why dad, he was one of the good guys, why not the scums on the street attitude?

That is why my faith in god died also.

every day now I still think about my dad!
Life is just to short for drama.
qsducks
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Post by qsducks »

oscar;981142 wrote: Me too! I have a friend who just lost a baby after trying for years. I could offer a little help. My brother & his wife had a still born baby girl at xmas, i could help a little. I too lost a baby girl many years ago. You will remember every birthday, every christmas, when they should be starting school, going to college etc etc. All the time your baby is in your mind growing up, they are alive. You will take your baby to your grave as until the day you die, your child will be in your thoughts where no-one can take them away from you again. Your loss will make you a "Helper". One day, some-one will need you & you can be there for them.



Yes, exactly Oscar. I think of that baby sometimes and always in January when he/she would have been born. Would have been 2 yrs younger than the sister. But, when I look at the dynamics of the younger 3 it changes. What would life have been like if #2 had entered the world? Where would the other 3 be.
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kazalala
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Post by kazalala »

oscar;981199 wrote: What pissed me off when my dad died was there were many many people who would approach me & didn't cross the road. I knew why. They'd all tell me what a lovely man he was then ask "How old was he"? He was 80. You'd then see a look of "Oh, that's o.k. then". The most common remark after that would be "Well he had a good innings". I wanted to say "So that makes it alright does it? He was 80 so i can stop grieving". I had to remind myself that these were people who had not lost any one so dear & they just simply did not know what to say. It is so hard for people to know what to say. My dad went & exactly ayr later, my mum went. Six months later, my sister went aged 50, then weeks later my only aunt went. After that i could see people looking at me thinking "God" but then they just did not know what to say any more. People are more frightened of saying the wrong thing so they do cross the road etc. I find that if i knew the person some-one has lost, it's lovely to give them a memory of yours. By saying "Hey, i remember when your mum did this or your son did that", you acknowledge their life. I just think that's a nice thing to do & we should not be afraid to do it. More often, it's what people in grief want to hear.:-1:-1:-1



Thats a good post Oscar. I always say memories are a fantastic treasure, after a certain amount of time to be able to think of a lost loved one and smile, remember soemthing about them that makes you smile, or laugh. I think i understand the impotance of this as its something i cant do with the son i lost, he lived for only four hours, and although i got to hold him he had already passed, so i have never been able to get rid of the anger and bitterness at not even being able to have any proper memories of him. Of Course you then get the phrases such aw well probably better it was so quick etc. its just people trying to say what they think is best, but i always wanted to yel noooooo its not better!!! Selfish of course, but thats how you feel when it comes to your children.




FOC THREAD PART1

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Martin Luther King Jr.
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kazalala
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Post by kazalala »

fuzzy butt;981269 wrote: Well my best friend from school died in a car accident last night .

I only know about it because it was just around the corner from mums. think I'll get the photos out today and go through them. so if I'm a bit off with the typing today this is why I havent had much sleep.



So sorry to hear that Fuzz, its such a shock when it happens out of the blue like that, due to accident etc. this is a poem that helped me once:)

What Is Dying?

What is dying?

A ship sails and i stand

watching till she fades on the horizon

and someone at my side says " she is gone"

Gone where? Gone from my sight

that is all, she is just as large

as when i last saw her.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is within me,

not in her, and just at the moment

when someone at my side says,

" she is gone", there are others

who are waiting for her coming,

and other voices take up a glad shout

"There She Comes".........

and that is dying.




FOC THREAD PART1

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Martin Luther King Jr.
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

oscar;981348 wrote: Oh lovely Cornwall Helen. I'm so sorry about your loss. You are absolutely doing the right thing, having a purpose for his life & constant reminders like pictures on the wall. I know people that have packed the photo's away etc when they lose some-one almost afraid to look at them incase it hurts. My husband was given 9 months to live two yrs ago. Same as your partner, typical man, wouldn't go to the Dr. He was found in the advanced stages of prostate cancer. Thanks to a wonderfull surgeon, it has yet to re-appear. He hasn't got the all clear but we had a narrow escape. I vowed that if he went, i would set up a fishing club for young anglers. He wants me to donate all his lifes fishing eqipment to youngsters to learn. I know that would help me, seeing young kids learn the craft from his gear. The person only dies if you forget them. The more who remember them, the more alive they are for you. We are going to Cornwall for a late holiday. We love it down there. OSCAR



so glad for that things are going well for you and your other half, i know its a long road yet but fingers crossed for you both.

just a little story about my dad too.

he was a mad keen gardener, in fact for many years it was his occupation.

when he passed away some 42yrs ago now, my mum gave all his gardening stuff to a young lad, just starting up on his own. he had a bicycle with a little trailer attached and went round doing odd gardening jobs !!

this gardening job has now turned into a major construction and landscaping firm called " dean and dyball" from hampshire !!!

do hope you enjoy your time down here and i hope the weather improves too, where are you staying ??
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Helen
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Post by Helen »

fuzzy butt;981269 wrote: Well my best friend from school died in a car accident last night .

I only know about it because it was just around the corner from mums. think I'll get the photos out today and go through them. so if I'm a bit off with the typing today this is why I havent had much sleep.



hi fuzz,

sorry to hear of your friend.

someone advised me to do the same thing with the photos when i lost my mum, brought back loads of happy memories and a few laughs too when we remembered the circumstances leading up to the photos being taken.
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

Helen;981866 wrote: so glad for that things are going well for you and your other half, i know its a long road yet but fingers crossed for you both.

just a little story about my dad too.

he was a mad keen gardener, in fact for many years it was his occupation.

when he passed away some 42yrs ago now, my mum gave all his gardening stuff to a young lad, just starting up on his own. he had a bicycle with a little trailer attached and went round doing odd gardening jobs !!

this gardening job has now turned into a major construction and landscaping firm called " dean and dyball" from hampshire !!!

do hope you enjoy your time down here and i hope the weather improves too, where are you staying ??
Good God, what a small world. My husband says he's seen the vans in Hampshire. How fantastic & what a brilliant legacy for your dad. Well Valerie. I read a post saying how easier it is to tell strangers about your problems & you are the first here. I have just come back from my Doctors & i have been refered to hospital to check for lung cancer. I haven't told anyone yet except my husband who forced me to go after putting off for months. I looked at my x ray card & my Doctor wrote "strong family history of lung cancer". That brings it home. He began talking about ct scans etc & i was miles away. I will have to wait & see. We are going to "Breage" near Lands End. We have'nt been before. Nothing fancy, just a two bed rent for a week where pets are welcome. I just love the landscape of Cornwall & have many happy memories of holidays there as a child. My dad was a gardener. When mum died after dad, we had to sell the house but not before my brother had dug up dad's prized fuscia's & re-planted them in his in-laws vast garden. He once won Garden of the year in West Sussex.

I will have to tell my brothers at some point about the x rays or maybe i'll wait. Why worry them. I will get told off anyway for smoking. Lovely story about your dad, that's what my husband hopes to achieve with his fishing tackle.:-6:-6:-6
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon
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Oscar Namechange
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Post by Oscar Namechange »

oscar;981922 wrote: Good God, what a small world. My husband says he's seen the vans in Hampshire. How fantastic & what a brilliant legacy for your dad. Well Valerie. I read a post saying how easier it is to tell strangers about your problems & you are the first here. I have just come back from my Doctors & i have been refered to hospital to check for lung cancer. I haven't told anyone yet except my husband who forced me to go after putting off for months. I looked at my x ray card & my Doctor wrote "strong family history of lung cancer". That brings it home. He began talking about ct scans etc & i was miles away. I will have to wait & see. We are going to "Breage" near Lands End. We have'nt been before. Nothing fancy, just a two bed rent for a week where pets are welcome. I just love the landscape of Cornwall & have many happy memories of holidays there as a child. My dad was a gardener. When mum died after dad, we had to sell the house but not before my brother had dug up dad's prized fuscia's & re-planted them in his in-laws vast garden. He once won Garden of the year in West Sussex.

I will have to tell my brothers at some point about the x rays or maybe i'll wait. Why worry them. I will get told off anyway for smoking. Lovely story about your dad, that's what my husband hopes to achieve with his fishing tackle.:-6:-6:-6
I got x ray results. No cancer but pluresy. Relief:-6
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. R.L. Binyon

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