trying to survive suicide

Discussion group for bereaved people.This forum offers support, understanding, compassion and hope to bereaved people, struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their loved ones.
Missguppie
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Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:23 pm

trying to survive suicide

Post by Missguppie »

I am not sure where to start or what to say... I guess I'm curious if anyone else here has lost a family member to suicide? I have...and having a very difficult time coping. I come from a large family and am finding that I am having a very hard time being around family these days. It is a constant reminder of everything that is lost and some days I just can't handle the pain. It has only been three months so I am still sitting on the edge of uncontrollable rage most days. I keep trying to find answers where there are none and with no note left behind it makes those questions so much worse. I wonder some days if that was his punishment to us...if somehow he blamed us for his pain and wanted to hurt us in return.

The hardest part is seeing what this has done to my family. We seem to be falling apart at the seams and I am so lost in my own pain I don't know how to help. I go back and forth with the idea of getting professional help but am scared. I am terrified that they may diagnose me bipolar too. That somehow it is genetic. Like all the rest of my problems these days...I just want to push it under the rug and not deal with it because I don't know how to.

If anyone can relate...please post a reply I would really like to find someone to talk to.
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Chezzie
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trying to survive suicide

Post by Chezzie »

Missguppie;937380 wrote: I am not sure where to start or what to say... I guess I'm curious if anyone else here has lost a family member to suicide? I have...and having a very difficult time coping. I come from a large family and am finding that I am having a very hard time being around family these days. It is a constant reminder of everything that is lost and some days I just can't handle the pain. It has only been three months so I am still sitting on the edge of uncontrollable rage most days. I keep trying to find answers where there are none and with no note left behind it makes those questions so much worse. I wonder some days if that was his punishment to us...if somehow he blamed us for his pain and wanted to hurt us in return.

The hardest part is seeing what this has done to my family. We seem to be falling apart at the seams and I am so lost in my own pain I don't know how to help. I go back and forth with the idea of getting professional help but am scared. I am terrified that they may diagnose me bipolar too. That somehow it is genetic. Like all the rest of my problems these days...I just want to push it under the rug and not deal with it because I don't know how to.

If anyone can relate...please post a reply I would really like to find someone to talk to.



I can only relate to the first question. My cousin commited suicide, he gassed himself in his car. My uncle died from cancer around 10 years earlier and my aunt had just gotten over cancer of the lymph nodes and had just found out she had stomach cancer. He was in the prison service (army before that) seemed to have everything materialistic wise. We have no idea why he did it. He was larger than life and very outspoken, not at all depressed to people who knew him.

Picking up the pieces was hard, my aunt was fighting for her life, he gave his up. Its a coward's way out IMO.

My aunt vowed to beat her cancer and did so, only to go abroad on holiday and die of a pulminary embolism...

It gets easier, sure it does but the questions you ask still remain, theirs no closure.
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Helen
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trying to survive suicide

Post by Helen »

i have no experiance of either suicide or bi polar but i know enough to say DONT try to brush it under the carpet as you put it.

ive heard it said, its the ones that are left behind that suffer most as they cannot understand why they did it.

go to your doctor, get counselling.

there an exellent thread on here by redglitter about bi polar. look that up and have a read. its nothing to be ashamed of and you may find a few answers there,

dont sit and suffer in silence, :-4
kayleneaussie
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2007 3:11 am

trying to survive suicide

Post by kayleneaussie »

My daughters boyfriend committed suicide at the age of 21, they had a 2 year old baby boy. I was devasted and constantly asked myself why I didnt see the signs and could I have done something more to help him. Go seek some counselling and dont be afraid it will help you.:-4
FOC THREAD PART 1
Tan
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Apr 28, 2005 6:31 pm

trying to survive suicide

Post by Tan »

Hey girl,

We're here for you. I'm here for you. Keep talking..keep posting. Our love is with you and your family. You will feel rage. You will feel anger. You will feel confusion. But then you will also feel understanding and compassion.

Im here if you want to chat:

tanyce2@hotmail.com
Tan
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Nomad
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Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:36 am

trying to survive suicide

Post by Nomad »

There's a gift

It will come for you one day

The gift is within you
I AM AWESOME MAN
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jones jones
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Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:30 am

trying to survive suicide

Post by jones jones »

seek the help of professionals in this field missguppie ...

i doubt any of us here on fg are that ...

Jj
"…I hate how I don’t feel real enough unless people are watching." — Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
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mrsK
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Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 2:23 pm

trying to survive suicide

Post by mrsK »

My nephew in 2006.

His Dad in 2007.

Still find it hard to come to terms with like you do.

It is getting easier ............just.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
observer1
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Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:27 am

trying to survive suicide

Post by observer1 »

I had 2 close friends who shot themselves. One a few weeks after we talked. And I felt guilty because I felt like I had just brushed him & his problem off. In time I realized that I probably couldn't have done more anyway.

The second one was a good friend & my next-door neighbor. We had talked a couple of days prior to this & he told me he was moving in with his mom. He'd just lost his girlfriend & his job. His mom was battling cancer. The day he committed suicide, he called me. I asked him if we could go somewhere & hang out, not knowing what he was intending to do. He said, no, maybe some other time. Then our phones cut off. I tried to called him back, but just got his voicemail. I figured we'd see each other the next day, when he was to come over & help my stepfather move my washer & dryer into my house (I had just moved in). As it turns out, he shot himself a couple of hours after we talked. That one was a bit harder for me to deal with. I found myself feeling angry with him. Why didn't he just lean on me a little more?? Why didn't he call me back?? Why didn't he just accept my offer to hang out?? But I came to realize again, that I probably couldn't have prevented it. Maybe delayed it, but that's about all.

It's been a few years since each of them. I still miss them very much, but I've started coming to terms with it. What we cannot change, we eventually have to learn to accept. Otherwise, it'll just eat us alive.

Good luck to you. Know that I'm here if you need or want to talk.
Victoria
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Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 10:33 am

trying to survive suicide

Post by Victoria »

I lost my father and then 10 years later my youngest brother to suicide.

I know my father was bi-polar but my brother was never checked out.

The rage comes from having no one to blame nothing to hit out at, normally you can blame the illness, the other driver, the attacker but in suicide the person to 'blame' (don't mean that literally) is the one youvé lost, the one you love, the one you are grieving for and that makes it all the more difficult to deal with.

Not to mention the sideways glances people give you if they know.



I have had to accept that everyone has to live their life the best they can and everyone has to make choices, my father and brother took the choice to opt out of life, it was their choice, I had no influence in that decision.

I have to respect the fact that it was their decision to take. They both knew that I loved them and I know they loved me.
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theia
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trying to survive suicide

Post by theia »

Victoria;938402 wrote: I lost my father and then 10 years later my youngest brother to suicide.

I know my father was bi-polar but my brother was never checked out.

The rage comes from having no one to blame nothing to hit out at, normally you can blame the illness, the other driver, the attacker but in suicide the person to 'blame' (don't mean that literally) is the one youvé lost, the one you love, the one you are grieving for and that makes it all the more difficult to deal with.

Not to mention the sideways glances people give you if they know.



I have had to accept that everyone has to live their life the best they can and everyone has to make choices, my father and brother took the choice to opt out of life, it was their choice, I had no influence in that decision.

I have to respect the fact that it was their decision to take. They both knew that I loved them and I know they loved me
.



How beautifully you expressed that, Victoria. Thank you.
Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers...Rainer Maria Rilke
Missguppie
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Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:23 pm

trying to survive suicide

Post by Missguppie »

Victoria;938402 wrote: I lost my father and then 10 years later my youngest brother to suicide.

I know my father was bi-polar but my brother was never checked out.

The rage comes from having no one to blame nothing to hit out at, normally you can blame the illness, the other driver, the attacker but in suicide the person to 'blame' (don't mean that literally) is the one youvé lost, the one you love, the one you are grieving for and that makes it all the more difficult to deal with.

Not to mention the sideways glances people give you if they know.



I have had to accept that everyone has to live their life the best they can and everyone has to make choices, my father and brother took the choice to opt out of life, it was their choice, I had no influence in that decision.

I have to respect the fact that it was their decision to take. They both knew that I loved them and I know they loved me.



Thank you so much for your words... it was my father that I lost to suicide on April 14th, 2008. He drove out of town to a place where we used to gather as a family. He parked in the picnic area and fed a hose from his shop vac in thru his passenger window and gassed himself. I have told very few people how my father died... it's not because I'm ashamed it's because I still feel some need to protect my father. I hate the thought that people could possibly think badly of him. My father for all his faults was a great man and I don't want anyone to remember him as anything else.

I guess I am coping all right when it comes to the actual loss of my father. I am in my thirties so I am self-sufficient. It is the effects on my family that seem to hurt me the worst and I guess that is where the anger stems from. Seeing my mother struggle so hard and seeing so much pain on her face is heartbreaking. There have been moments when she has fallen apart and cried to me...asking why she wasn't enough...why our family wasn't enough to give him the will to live. I've often asked myself how he could feel that his wife, four children and 7 grandchildren weren't enough to live for.

I know that there will never be an answer to any of my questions and that I have to find a way to move on. That is why I am here... I want to get on with the business of living and right now I am just existing. Thank you to everyone that replied to my post it is really nice to know that there are people listening!!

Take care

:-4
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Odie
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Post by Odie »

I think suicide is a selfish thing to do to family members and friends...........obviously these people needed help and it was just to late.

always remember, it wasn't your fault, and perhaps to that person, it will be a better life for them.



life sometimes can be so complicated, worrysome, draining and sometimes you think you can just no longer carry on................

When I went thru chemo-therapy, I never thought I would make it out alive, the sheer draining, the times I could not get up or walk, the absolute no-energy/severe fatigue was dragging me down so much..............I could no longer take it, and suicides thoughts were in my mind.



There are all kinds of reasonings.
Life is just to short for drama.
Missguppie
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trying to survive suicide

Post by Missguppie »

fuzzy butt;960922 wrote: Missguppie . suicide is very difficult to understand to most . From the day of our births to the day we eventually die we basically struggle to stay alive. When there is a turn around in this state of affairs it doesn't compute in our brains. We simply cannot understand it.

Your father didn't have "reasons " as such to commit suicide . He was not selfish, he was not a bad person for doing so, and you are right to think that you want to protect him. That's a very normal emotion and it's the daughterish thing to do . And you are a very reasonable person for doing so. We all understand that depression is a simple receptor brain kind of thing . Basically the receptors in the brain are not getting the instructions , hormones, and chemicals they need. That's dpression . And depression does not show outwardly all of the time. Sometimes something triggers it and then we will see people violent, sad or unfortunetly suicidal. Sometimes we can help, at other times we're too late.

The people I've spoken to that have tried suicide, been brought back from death or have thought about it , have one thing in common . They actually feel it is a very selfless act, the most selfless act that they have ever thought of in their lives. Because of the brain disfunction they actually think this, it makes sense to them. They actually cognitively think that "everyone would be in a happier place and better off without them" . That their death will actually allow others to move on un-apprehended without them there. . Something happened in your fathers brain to make him think this ...It has nothing to do with real world experience ....just his brain working overtime in the state it was in to justify it to himself. This is part of depression.

And it's okay, never think ill of your father . he was not out to punish anyone ......from my experience it's quite the opposite. But again that's part of the depression.

Your mother will do it hard for a really long time . she'll be examining every argument between them, every mis-understanding and every thought she had during the marriage that maybe she didn't act upon or thought was un-neccesary to do anyhting about . And this makes her a normal person as well. She'll be craving answers within their history and marriage. she'll have the process of grief as well as the un answered question of their relationship. If you yourself are married you'll know what I mean by this.

To your mother i say this .............I've recently seperated from my husband . He is in therapy.........his psych and himself havent even touched on our marriage difficulties after quite intensive sessions because there is a lot more to my husband than just our marriage. Many many difficulties he faces and has faced outside the marriage and in his youth that have carried into adulthood. I had no idea. So if he committed suicide I would know ( well now i would know) there are many things in a persons life other than just the marriage. It's just the way we are as humans.

the rest of your family /siblings are looking for the same answers that you yourself are . It's very stressful and everyone deals with grief and stress in different ways ......it's very personal. And that sometimes makes us detached from others. I can assure you one day you'll all come back together as before but at this early stage everyone is dealing in their own way. And may need some space . It's part of the grieving process. Grieving is a personal thing it can only be shared during the time of ..........shock (probably around the time of the funeral ) or when most have come to an understanding or acceptance of what has happened. It's an awfully long process and people deal with it at their own pace. some not at all ..........and may detach themselves for quite some time.

I would think counselling would be a good idea for you . Get yourself a good one that understands the grieving process and can be there for you when you need them.

I was just wondering if anyone has given you any information on the steps of grief? Grief is a very real and progressive condition. I hope you look at it as normal and neccesary.

Good luck missguppie and i hope you feel a bit better in the future.Try not to look at he way he died and what caused it, but the fact that he did die . And go on from there . :) i wish you my sincere condolences and thoughts.



Thank you so much Fuzzy butt, you have no idea how much your words mean. I'm learning everyday what it is like to survive suicide and it is not easy. I'm also learning that there are a lot more good people out there then I could have ever possibly imagined. My work has just recently funded 8 councelling sessions for me to take at my own pace and it's been so helpful. It's been the most difficult thing that I have ever dealt with in my life but somewhere thru the negative a great positive has come. I am not only going to the councelling sessions but am also becoming more active in a local after suicide support group. All of these things have been tremendously helpful in getting me thru these tough times. The support group has also given me a sense of helping others as well. I know I needed help and that if I didn't get help my life could take a turn for the worse but knowing that by helping myself I can also help others has made it more motivating then I ever thought it could possibly be. I have always been a motivated and independent woman and I thought for a brief moment all that had changed.... that my life was taking a path of it's own where I had no control to what the out come would be. Now I feel like I can be that independant person again and I can be strong and I can help others be strong and it is really empowering. I love my dad with my heart and miss him so much it aches....but MY LIFE will go on and I will chose to become a stronger person because of this but a kinder person too. I want something positive to come from my fathers death and so I want to be there to help others and right now that is what makes me feel good and whole again. Thank you so much...
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Odie
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trying to survive suicide

Post by Odie »

mrsK;937727 wrote: My nephew in 2006.

His Dad in 2007.

Still find it hard to come to terms with like you do.

It is getting easier ............just.



that is alot to come to terms with!
Life is just to short for drama.
Missguppie
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Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:23 pm

trying to survive suicide

Post by Missguppie »

It is a lot to come to terms with and I am thinking that I was much more optimistic that day then I am today. I am sure everyone that has lost someone they love goes thru the same motions.... some days are good and some days just aren't!! Well today is one of the bad days! Well it's kind of been more like a bad week.

Since my father passed away my mother has listed and sold our family home. I do not like it but I can at least understand it. My fathers passing has been terribly difficult for her and being alone in that house must be hard. It hurts though knowing that the one place that I can go where I still feel my fathers presence will soon belong to some other family. My mother has found solice in starting a new life and buying a new home. She is about ready to drive me around the bend though!!! Having been married to a man who was a control freak for 35+ years has left her incapable of making a decision on her own. She is phoning me between 3-15 times a day (depends on the day) about paint colours and carpet styles etc etc. I love my mother and I want to be supportive but I can't help feeling like in some way she is disrespecting my father.

My father spent his life being our provider and I know that he left this world knowing that he left enough behind that my mother could live comfortably for the next 20 years. But I am standing back watching her spend hundreds of thousands of dollars wastefully! She bought a BRAND NEW HOUSE just built and has ripped out all the carpets and replaced them, has ripped out all the flooring and put in new tiles, new sinks, new faucets and the list goes on and on and on!!! Maybe this is her way of distracting herself but I can't help worrying about how long that money will last her if she continues this way. She is only 52 and has a lot more life left to live...but has not worked in 20 years and has no means of providing for herself once that money is gone. I am afraid for her future and my own because I know none of my other 3 siblings are able to support her. So do I wait until the moneys out and give up my own future to take care of my mom? Or do I find some way to stop her now???

I feel so lost....
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Odie
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Post by Odie »

Missguppie;994654 wrote: It is a lot to come to terms with and I am thinking that I was much more optimistic that day then I am today. I am sure everyone that has lost someone they love goes thru the same motions.... some days are good and some days just aren't!! Well today is one of the bad days! Well it's kind of been more like a bad week.

Since my father passed away my mother has listed and sold our family home. I do not like it but I can at least understand it. My fathers passing has been terribly difficult for her and being alone in that house must be hard. It hurts though knowing that the one place that I can go where I still feel my fathers presence will soon belong to some other family. My mother has found solice in starting a new life and buying a new home. She is about ready to drive me around the bend though!!! Having been married to a man who was a control freak for 35+ years has left her incapable of making a decision on her own. She is phoning me between 3-15 times a day (depends on the day) about paint colours and carpet styles etc etc. I love my mother and I want to be supportive but I can't help feeling like in some way she is disrespecting my father.

My father spent his life being our provider and I know that he left this world knowing that he left enough behind that my mother could live comfortably for the next 20 years. But I am standing back watching her spend hundreds of thousands of dollars wastefully! She bought a BRAND NEW HOUSE just built and has ripped out all the carpets and replaced them, has ripped out all the flooring and put in new tiles, new sinks, new faucets and the list goes on and on and on!!! Maybe this is her way of distracting herself but I can't help worrying about how long that money will last her if she continues this way. She is only 52 and has a lot more life left to live...but has not worked in 20 years and has no means of providing for herself once that money is gone. I am afraid for her future and my own because I know none of my other 3 siblings are able to support her. So do I wait until the moneys out and give up my own future to take care of my mom? Or do I find some way to stop her now???

I feel so lost....




She can definately work at that age, even not working in all of those years...there are jobs out there.............its time now to have that heart to heart talk with her and be firm..........you shouldn't be expected to give up your own future.



and feeling lost..................is completely normal, you are going through so much...........but please, talk to your mom!:-4
Life is just to short for drama.

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