so what about.........

Discussion group for bereaved people.This forum offers support, understanding, compassion and hope to bereaved people, struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their loved ones.
Posts: 171
Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 6:26 pm

so what about.........

Post by Dewey2Me1MoThyme »

if you are not feeling bereavement? Sorry but I know I'm going to ramble on here. My dad passed away last year and I've yet to shed a tear, and that really bothers me! :-5 My father was 96 when he passed away in his sleep. He, like all his siblings had cancer, a fate he dreaded all his life. I can recall many a thyme when he said he would like to pass in his sleep, so I'm happy about him getting that wish, I was very fond of my father, learned most of what I know from that man, and I acredit him for my dry sense of humor. So why have I not really mourned? I don't dew councilling so that is out! I introduced my parents to Bluegrass music back in the early 80s and they became very much addicted to the music genre. At his funeral friends played some bluegrass gospel, and I could picture him in his coffin tapping his feet as he did when he was alive. In fact, at one point I could have sworn I saw the gasket jiggle.

My dad was a good man but never went to church in his adult life, I always got the impression, as did my sister, that he didn't think himself worthy, although he would dew anything for almost anybody, gave to worthwhile charities, and was everybodies friend.

my father seldom spoke to me of spiritual matters, so it caught me quite off guard one day when he said right out of the blue.. "If I ever get a chance to meet my maker, I'm going to ask Him why he allowed so many children to suffer. Then he asked me what 1 question I would ask Him. Well, getting caught off guard, and usually being one to confront uncomfortable situations with humor, I replied, "I'd ask Him why it is that men go bald at a young age but hair starts to grow rampid on their ears and butt" I expected my father to laugh at that witty remark, but instead his face turned white as a ghost and he said "YOU CAN'T ASK HIM THAT!" The reason I mention this is because at the funeral, while my mother and siblings were fighting back tears tears, I was sitting in the front row, looking at his casket thinking, Now you get your chance to ask Him your question, prepare Him for mine.

Maybe thats just how I deal with things, easier to laff than cry? I really don't know, all I dew know, is I feel I have often been weak when I should have been strong, and strong when I should have been my weakest. Sure I'm sad he's gone, and I still not sure I realize it. Has anyone else had this experience or any suggestions? I don't feel forcing tears is going to make me feel less like I betrayed the man I most admired in my life. :-3


"Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well"
Posts: 3128
Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 3:05 am

so what about.........

Post by weeder »

Maybe you have no reason to cry, and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you had a healthy, and happy relationship with your dad. He also doesnt sound like someone to feel sorry for. I like the question that he planned to ask God. His wondering about the children is indicitive of a kind, and nice man. You also could not be crying because you are someone who has evolved to a place where you have a healthy and calm understanding of life and death. We come, and we go, and that is that. Emotions are very varied among people. We all have our own circuit board. I dont think that any two people are the same regarding feelings. The way that we feel about almost anything is governed by the way we view the situation. Youll be ok, and condolences on the loss of your dad.
[FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][/FONT]
Posts: 15777
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am

so what about.........

Post by RedGlitter »

Hi Dew,

I don't think there's a single thing wrong with you or how you reacted/are reacting to your father's death. People always say we all grieve in our own ways and that's true.

Of course you're sad that he's elsewhere now and of course you miss him. Just because you haven't shed a tear doesn't mean those things aren't true. I can only offer my opinion so just take it for whatever you might think it's worth.

We tend to think of a 96 year old as having had a good long life and sometimes, in some ways, this makes an elderly person's passing easier to deal with. I think that holds true for cancer and other illnesses too. There's a point where you accept that death is better than living with an illness. My mother died from cancer on June 4, 2006. Up to a certain point I did what probably we all do, I prayed incessantly for a cure, I even tried to bargain with God; but then it became clear to me that she wasn't going to get better and I had to accept that it was her time to leave. I didn't want her to have any more suffering than what she had already endured so I accepted her dying as a relief to her. Maybe you did a similar thing. could be that you haven't fully reckoned with it yet. We have ways of burying in our subconsciouses things we don't want to deal with or can't bear. Maybe it hasn't "hit" you yet. It's only been this year that I have fully realized that my mom's gone. It's in the little things. Like a favorite song or a recipe I need help with. And I "remember" she's not here to ask.

I'll tell you something I did that really shook me. About two months after Mom died, I was in Las Vegas shopping for a friend's wedding. I went into the restroom of our restaurant and was washing my hands and I was thinking what a crappy day it had been. And I thought "I can't wait to get home and see Mom." :-2 That's when it hit me. Up until then, I was just kind of on autopilot. And I felt guilty! Like how could I have forgotten she was gone?!

I do understand how disconcerting it is when you question yourself as to whether or not you're grieving "right." I have done that many times. But as long as you're not knowingly holding in a load of sorrow and despair, afraid to let it go, then whatever you're doing is right.

You say your dad didn't attend church but the person you described had church in his heart. A friend to all, willing to help whenever needed; those are wonderful qualities to have and rare to find.

You haven't betrayed your father. That's just unnecessary guilt you're lugging around. It has no place. This is my own personal feeling but I have always thought that after death the person knows everything they didn't before. Your dad knows you love him and miss him. Count on that. Love is forever and even death has no dominion over that. :)

My advice to you is just to keep on keeping on. If you're not finished with your grief, it will happen in its own time. I don't think it's really something that one can force.
User avatar
Posts: 33631
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am

so what about.........

Post by chonsigirl »

Some people do not physically cry to express their grief. I still have not cried over my grandmother's death, I was the last to talk to her while she was awake and still quite happy. (even though it was on the phone) I think my sadness will be this week, when the long delayed service will be held on Wednesday, and I cannot go to be with my family. (a convoluted family thing :-1 )

It is like we knew it would be the last time to talk, and she explained it all to me-that she was going to go home. She asked me when I would be there, and I told her I will be there one day. She sighed, and said she understood. I told her I loved her, and she called me by my childhood name, Susie. She always called me that. :)

Then she told me she was happy, and had lived a long life. Only the last line did her mind falter, as she was slipping into a coma. I have wondered every since that time, since my brother and cousin were there, what they thought of the conversation. She never really talked to them, but woke up before her final breath to see my cousin and smile. (she raised him since he was a child, and became a fine pastor she was very proud of, as we all are) To be there at the final moments of memory, which for her will never fade, as that small portion of grief at their passage, is inside of our hearts. But for me, I know she is there waiting for me, with my father and my other loved ones. I know she will smile down on me from heaven today, when I play the piano and direct the choir at church this morning, because she was there every Sunday for decades when I played at church.

Grief-it is only a moment of time, immeasurable here on Earth's time, one day to be gone when we are all together. That is my belief, and it brings comfort to know she is there and young again, and beautiful and no longer old and in pain, which she never complained about. It was my blessing to have her so many years. May your grief over your father turn into happy memories, for they wait for us all to see again one day.
Posts: 15777
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am

so what about.........

Post by RedGlitter »

Chonsi....:-4 :-4 :-4

Return to “Bereaved People”