Mothers Day

[RedGlitter]

I was expecting this but it's a little trickier than I expected. I keep getting sideswiped by Mothers Day advertisements. They're in my email, in my snail mail, in the stores, all over the place. Last Mothers Day I didn't know Mom would be gone from us less than a month later. I was still thinking she'd beat that one just like she did the others. Because that was what Mom did. Looked a problem in the eye and kicked its ass. She was always like that. I took that for granted. So I was looking at Mothers Day cards and instead of having to hunt for the perfect one like I usually did, I found a bunch that were all "the one." So I bought them all. I think there were ten. Each one said something that was perfect. I gave her her present and this pile of cards and she opened every one and read every one word for word. She was so small sitting there reading them; her hair was long gone by then and she would wear these cute little hats with cool pins on them. She just looked so damned small and fragile. But my mother was anything but fragile. I know that pile of cards is somewhere in her bedroom but I don't want to come across them because it'll just break my heart all over again to see them. I don't even have scar tissue there yet. I haven't changed anything in her room. Her clothes are still there, her hats. The other computer where she'd sit and play online poker all night. The computer desk gets me if I dare to look at it too long. I try not to look. When she started chemo, I got her this little purple bear. It's called a Chemo Bear and she wears a little turban as if she's going through chemo too. My mom loved that bear. It had its own special place on her desk. I had put a St. Peregrine rosary on the little bear and she's still wearing it. Some days I walk past the bear and tears just come forth out of nowhere. As they are now. And I get pissed at myself for being weak. I think "I am half of my mother therefore I should be half as strong as she was." Yeah right. Ok, some days I am. But other days I get rendered.

So anyway Mothers Day. This one's going to hurt. And every one to come is going to as well. I almost bought a Mothers Day card to set on her grave but then I thought what if it gets ratty and the caretaker throws it away? Going to her grave is a lot more than I ever think I can do. It wipes me out. When I'm away from it I feel like she's everywhere and yet...somewhere else. That she's on the wind and in the rain. She's in the moon I see every night. In the stars I watch. In the words I pray. In the heart that somehow still beats inside me. She's with me but she's not. But her essence is now in me and that's what I run on. But the grave...I have to go there and accept that the only ever tangible part of my mother is in the earth beneath my feet. "She's" really in there. The day we buried her I made them lower her into the ground in front of me. I guess it's more standard these days to leave the coffin above ground until the family leaves. But I told Mom I would see her through to the very end and it wasn't the end for me until she was in the earth. Being at her grave then didn't hurt near as much then as it does now. I don't know what that's about. I haven't had the chance to go there by myself so I just set down her flowers and tell her how much I miss her. And that I love her. Just like I know what I'm doing and like I've got it all under control, just like I promised her I would. Then I kiss her marker and I leave. I know if no one else was there I'd lie on top of her grave and pour out all the pain I couldn't possibly let anyone else know exists. I'm afraid of that. What if I went so far that I could never come back.

I wrote two checks today and didn't even notice the date. My mom's been dead for 11 months now. Sometimes I sit and say "My mom died. My mother is dead." It sounds so weird and surreal. I still prefer to say she's gone or left but somehow I know I have to say the other words to accept it.

June 4th is coming. I've been dreading it. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I would much rather be surrounded by friends here celebrating my mom's life than to be sitting around at home thinking about her last day. Especially the time. When 5:15 comes around that evening I don't want to be alone. The time always gets me.

Recently I heard someone say how much they hate their mother and how they wished she was dead. I remember saying that when I was maybe 14 over some stupid argument we had. But I wanted to tear this person up for saying that, for being so mindless as to not realize that one day it's going to happen. And until it happens to you, you just don't know what it's like. You just don't know.

I miss my mom.

[Rapunzel]

Oh Terri,

I'm in tears here to read of the love you shared with your mother. That is such a rare and beautiful thing. I always wanted to be close to my mother but she's never accepted me or even once shown me that she cares for me. I was heartbroken when I finally realised that she didn't care about me and now it's easier to not see her and I doubt I'll see her again before she dies. Even if that date is 20 years away. It's just too hurtful.

So I envy the love you share with your mother, but then I'm lucky because that's the love I share with my daughter. She is so precious to me and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I adore all the time we spend together and I know that when I eventually pass on I will do my damndest to stay with her in spirit. To guide her and protect her for as long as she walks this earth. And I am sure that your mothers love for you and your love for her is just as strong and that her spirit is with you constantly, warming and calming you and making your heartbreak just a little less painful. What is in her grave is just a wrapper, the sweetness that is her is within you and all around you, part of your blood and bones and every atom of you and her serenity and love surround you. She knows how much you love her and she feels your pain at her loss, but that is just a physical loss, she is with you still in spirit.

June 4th is coming. I've been dreading it. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I would much rather be surrounded by friends here celebrating my mom's life than to be sitting around at home thinking about her last day. Especially the time. When 5:15 comes around that evening I don't want to be alone. The time always gets me.


Why not do this dear Terri? I'm sure your family and friends are probably far more aware of how deeply you miss your mum than you realise. Why not have a party for your mum and all her friends and relatives. It doesn't matter if you cry, they'll understand. But you'll probably laugh too - at shared memories and little anecdotes. You might learn something new about her from someone else's memories. Either way it's going to be a tough day for you, but better to have a day of tears and joy and memories and friends and with your mother probably smiling and laughing at some of the memories too as she watches over you, than a day of heartbreak and tears and regrets which will make you feel low and which would sadden your mother if she were there with you in the physical world.

Do it for her Terri.

I'm sending heartfelt beams of love and huge warm hugs to you my friend.

Your mother loves you SO much, she wouldn't want you to be sad. She had a wonderful life and a wonderful daughter. She was truly blessed. She would want you to celebrate her life and not mourn her loss.

With all my love to you, dearest Terri.

Love Mel. xxxxx :yh_hugs :yh_hugs :yh_hugs :yh_flower