dont wanna leave baby to work!

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sofkeli
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by sofkeli »

ok sorry this is long...really long, but i have to get it off my chest....

if u read, thank you!

my boy is 6 months now and i have to start looking into going back to work soon.. problem is... i cant bear the thought of doing it.. the main problem is this.. he is my first baby and i have had mother in law living with us since he was born....yes this long! and she wil be leaving a month later... she is also from another country.. dont know why she stayed this long..

anyway, she wil go and maybe 3 months later be back again..and it will be for a few months then as well.

i havent had my baby to myself all this time! i dont know about u guys but i have a really strong urge to develop a bond with my baby...alone with in my house along with my hubby.. but ive had to share him all this time.. and it has made me very depressed.... she is a lovely lady and we get on very well..but thats not the point...it could be mother theresa and i;d stil have a problem.

i feel resentful, like ive missed out on what i really wanted from my first experience of mother baby bonding relationship etc... and im angry my hubbys family dont even think that perhaps i would want to be alone as well! plus my MIL doesnt speak english, so she has nothing to do here, knows nobody and stays in house all day..., and guess what.. when i do return to work (after she goes!) i wil put my baby to daycare (which i dont have problem with) and then when she is back 3 months later....what do u think will automatically happen? she will look after him in house al day every day! and again i wil see my son getting attached to her and me having to work! im jealous of course.. cos im his mom and i want him to see that i am the most important woman in his life... granny is for visiting not living with!

if my baby in daycare, i will be happy cos i know that he will understand it is a place he gets taken care of in, and mommy comes to collect him after work... but when MIL is back, not only will his routine be messed up, he will end up bonding with her while i wil hardly see him..and then what.. months later she wil go home again and he will be so upset cos his 'main carer' has gone!

this life is so friggin unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Bill Sikes
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by Bill Sikes »

sofkeli;598701 wrote:

this life is so friggin unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sometimes it is very difficult to think of anyone else, that I'm sure of. However, it can be done, and you can also maintain your special relationship with your new baby boy. BTW, I'm not at all sure of the positive value, if any, of "daycare".
RedGlitter
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Post by RedGlitter »

You are fortunate. That's the way it should be. If only everyone had their grandmother looking after them instead of being in freaking daycare with total strangers who aren't remotely connected to them. I guess I'm just not relating.
sofkeli
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by sofkeli »

ive looked into the psychological aspects, the social aspects, the developmental aspects, I honestly did my homework on this ...and i am confident daycare has many positive attributes in order for my son to progress well. Plus my aunt is a childminder, maybe she could take care of him..this i stil dont have a problem with because he is in another house and being collected by me... so he is consciously aware that i am the main woman, otherwise if he's left in the house with my MIL, he will simply assume this is his main carer and the most important woman in his life.. i would hope women especially could understand my outlook... i havent had my baby to myself since he was born..and i wil have to start work at the time when i had the opportunity to have him etc
sofkeli
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by sofkeli »

i know im fortunate in many respects and yes my MIL is a great help and she's a great person... but my personality isnt the sort that is grateful for help... i very much like to be my own person doing my own thing and having things my way... it may not sit well with some people..and yes u can say im ungrateful, but i dont think anybody has tried to consider my feelings and i dont have a say in anything, i just have to accept this situation
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LilacDragon
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by LilacDragon »

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Just as honestly as you have here.
Sandi



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Bill Sikes
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by Bill Sikes »

sofkeli;598711 wrote: i stil dont have a problem with because he is in another house and being collected by me... so he is consciously aware that i am the main woman, otherwise if he's left in the house with my MIL, he will simply assume this is his main carer and the most important woman in his life..


Rubbish. Babies don't aren't "conciously aware" of anything, they just absorb. The only difference between his time with (for instance) your MIL, or the staff of whatever place you leave him for however many hours a day is that with your MIL he will get one-to-one attention.
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

LilacDragon;598714 wrote: You need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Just as honestly as you have here.


Sounds like a reasonable idea.
sofkeli
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Post by sofkeli »

alright bill, keep ya hair on

i didnt say i was talking complete sense...these are just my feelings as a new mother.. i know i am mostly being unreasonable but i cant ignore my feelings.. and being a woman, these feelings are often irrational. if i was a man, i would be a hell of a lot happier
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Betty Boop
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by Betty Boop »

sofkeli;598721 wrote: alright bill, keep ya hair on



i didnt say i was talking complete sense...these are just my feelings as a new mother.. i know i am mostly being unreasonable but i cant ignore my feelings.. and being a woman, these feelings are often irrational. if i was a man, i would be a hell of a lot happier




You have to go back to work?? No way you could stay home a bit longer?
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

sofkeli;598721 wrote: alright bill, keep ya hair on

i didnt say i was talking complete sense...these are just my feelings as a new mother.. i know i am mostly being unreasonable but i cant ignore my feelings.. and being a woman, these feelings are often irrational. if i was a man, i would be a hell of a lot happier


'Sok... that's what's quite good about this sort of discussion over the 'net. I remember well my feelings when my son was born. I do not think that you can hide behind "women's irrationality" - irrationality affects us all, of either sex, from time to time. Is your MIL a particularly bad old boiler? Perhaps it's just a language, or possibly culture, thing (of which I have a little experience, also of irrationality ditto) - ?
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Bryn Mawr
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by Bryn Mawr »

sofkeli;598721 wrote: alright bill, keep ya hair on

i didnt say i was talking complete sense...these are just my feelings as a new mother.. i know i am mostly being unreasonable but i cant ignore my feelings.. and being a woman, these feelings are often irrational. if i was a man, i would be a hell of a lot happier


Just be careful that you don't allow your dis-satisfaction with your situation come in the way of your bonding with baby.
sofkeli
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by sofkeli »

Betty Boop;598724 wrote: You have to go back to work?? No way you could stay home a bit longer?


No, unfortunately, needs must and i will have to work for various reasons. if it was up to me i would work from home and then perhaps go into a job outside when baby is at nursery school. unfortunately the one job i am able to do from home doesnt have enough work coming in..unless i go out marketing..but i wont be able to do that since not only do i have my baby,but my hubby wouldnt actually be too encouraging with me 'marketing myself and my business etc'
sofkeli
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by sofkeli »

thank you magenta flame, i am glad you're seeing things from my perspective. i am british, from birmingham and 24 yrs old.

i would also love to stay home but as i said, i will have to work. im a graphic designer so i can do freelance which ive done a bit of...but i cant get much work in unless i look for it
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Imladris
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dont wanna leave baby to work!

Post by Imladris »

Try not to worry too much about the bonding issue. I had post-natal depression when my daughter was born and didn't really bond with her until she was about your baby's age. I did things for her because I was her mum and I had to do it, I played with her, I cuddled her and everything you should do and whilst I enjoyed it I can't say it was quite as it should have been until that bond kicked in.



I also had to work, self-employed with a business to run with my husband so at the time there was no choice, I was lucky though as I could work part-time, is that an option for you?



My daughter got used at a very young age to being with other people, firstly a friend who looked after her a couple of mornings a week, then nursery and hubby's aunt and all along my step-daughters and other family members who enjoyed taking her for walks etc.



She became a very sociable child who had lots of friends, settle well at school and enjoyed visiting grandparents etc.



I can understand your worries and I really feel for you, I do think that you need to explain to your husband how you feel and work through all the options, can you work less hours, can you tighten your belts to allow you to stay at home a little longer, consider that when MIL comes back not giving up the childcare option altogether - just cutting back the hours will make it easier to re-introduce it when she goes again.



I hope you can sort this out so that you can enjoy your baby while he's still little. If you're feeling down perhaps you should mention it to your doctor or health visitor, you may have a touch of PND yourself.
Originally Posted by spot

She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy





Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
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spot
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Post by spot »

There's one big benefit from daycare: children (especially first children) get the chance to socialize outside of their family, they start to interact with other children earlier than they otherwise would. In the case of mine, I found it had a noticeable effect by the time of her first birthday. I think it's a positive experience for a child.
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Imladris
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Post by Imladris »

spot;598870 wrote: There's one big benefit from daycare: children (especially first children) get the chance to socialize outside of their family, they start to interact with other children earlier than they otherwise would. In the case of mine, I found it had a noticeable effect by the time of her first birthday. I think it's a positive experience for a child.


Hear hear!



My grandson who is 2 has just started to go to nursery for two mornings each week. IMO it's long due, his mum has not taken him to toddler groups so he is more than ready to play with other children, in fact because he hasn't had much contact with children of the same age I think it's not going to be easy for him to get used to it, but he will.
Originally Posted by spot

She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy





Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
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Bill Sikes
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Post by Bill Sikes »

magenta flame;598728 wrote:

Again this is your child, your house, and your family! ........


Family also includes in-laws, it's not just man/woman/children. Everyone has an interest, as well as feelings! Grandparents do have quite an important part to play. I do not think it would be helpful or desirable to "kick the old woman out" (how old do you think she might be, BTW, MF - 36? 40? 60?), unless a family schism is actively desired.
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crazygal
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Post by crazygal »

Oh I feel for you. I would hate having others, other than the father around my baby so much. That was hard enough, to share with him when he was here for two days. A baby needs to bond with you and learn your smell. Mine is just two weeks old and there are already things that only I know about her, her mannerisms and what they mean. It makes me feel so special and close to her. I couldn't imagine working and leaving her with someone, not at least until she is at school. I worked from home with my son so it was OK as I could do both.
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