Famento

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retepsnikrep
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Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:39 am

Famento

Post by retepsnikrep »

This is the shortened version of the onerous job of work called. 'Family Entertainments Officer.'

I should think telephoning people, or knocking on their doors, to sell something, from double glazing to the Encyclopedia Britannica, is a very thankless job. Being Famento is also entirely thankless.

If you are a married man you will automatically be given this job. It is the least you can do since you go to the office every day, which is virtually a leisure club, or have that snip of a job driving an articulated lorry to Hartlepools and unload twenty tons of apple juice. I ask you, apple juice, what sort of a job is that? And what's three hundred miles in a lorry, have you seen the armcahirs they sit in? Anyway since you are so thoroughly rested when you get home, and the wife has had to sort whites from coloureds, and grill the notoriously tricky fish fingers at lunchtime, you are the Famento.

Your duties start at once. It appears that the children have been whipped up into a riot of dis-satisfaction just before you arrive, having sat quietly crayoning the rest of the day. If you are wise you will have brought them all a present home to break. In the likely event that they all want each others gift rather than their own, the fighting will bring Mummy at the run and after the day she's had, you may well quake. A top Famento will have calmed everybody down, on his return from work, after about an hour. Mummy may still be a bit tense but you herd all children away from her, and tumble about and hurt yourself for their amusement till bedtime. Switching then to Mummy, the Famento is a good listener, the day's trials have been grave indeed. The dog barked, and the gate wouldn't latch at the first attempt. Put on your Famento face, the one which shows disbelief that the saintly woman was actually able to bear these tortures. Get coffee, tea, hover or sit, touch or leave alone, according to fine judgement and you will reach your own bedtime.

At the weekend the Famento gets to amuse the children properly. An only child is not too bad, you can carry it around all day, alternately tickling it, or giving it sweets. Sometimes the child will play happily enough with something on it's own, provided you do nothing else. You must spectate at least, and praise, though your eyes be heavy and the armchair and the newspaper are like a distant oasis. You do not want to be reported as 'Daddy won't play with me.' Fake it a bit as you lay on the floor and watch little chummy with his tractors. Split your brain, glaze over, think your own thoughts and let the autopilot utter the regular noises of encouragement that Mummy is listening for. If you have more than one child, things get difficult. If you had the second as a playmate for the first, you were sadly misguided. You need a Famento for each child. Mummy might do it but she is entitled to a rest at weekends so get used to doing it yourself.

Luckily we have an extract from an interview for a professional Famento, whose fees are astronomical, conducted by fabulously wealthy parents. The interview goes something like this:-

'Mr Famento, what do you NOT say if the children say they are bored?'

'I do NOT say, "When I was a child I was never bored." Nor should I tell them how many things they could be doing, i.e. "Thousands"

'Very Good, then what will you do?'

'I will consider for a moment what diversion would interest both children at once. This is usually fruitless, so I will then focus on one of them, the one whose turn it is (most careful note must be kept of this), and play with them, in the hope that the other might join in.'

'Has that ever happened?'

'Rarely, but I have known it, though they often take part with a view to spoiling it for everyone. Sometimes they enjoy it though, and I have engaged up to three children successfully at one time.'

(The interviewing parents, lean forward to get a closer look at this phenomenon, entertained three at once!

They continue, with increased respect.)

'What would you do to entertain the chosen child, Sir?'

'Much depends, age, available items....'

'You may assume that anything you wish is available.'

'Very good. A violent computer game will be fine. I watch while they dismember droids, bots and subhumans. The choice of weapons must extend to a multi-barrel chain phaser, and invulnerability must apply to my little chummy. The further the blood spurts the louder I shriek. I know the cheats for the game and feed them to child one as if he/she has discovered them for themselves. I will constantly exclaim, "Brilliant" Fantastic" I speak to all children when playing with them, at about five decibels above the normal, and I invent a loud expletive, like 'Kersplaterate' or 'Kroooooing' etc. This game has little or no run-on. As soon as I stop watching and shouting 'Krooooing' the child will stop playing and we are back at square one.'

'What will the other child be doing, while you are playing this computer game?'

'It will be doing disgruntled. This involves lying on the floor, kicking the gas fire. Crying possibly, certainly shrieking 'not fair.' It may dart at the computer to switch it off, or jog the mouse. It may wander in from the kitchen brandishing an ice cream, coke, sweets, money, or anything the other has not got, to induce dis-satisfaction.'

'Is there anything that can be done about this?'

'No.'

'What do you do when it is the turn to play with the other one?'

'First I try to get the Computer player to carry on. If this does not work, it adopts the disgruntled position on the floor. They must not both be on the floor at the same time, or they will be on each other's piece of floor, then fight. So like lightning, I then get all sorts of things on the table for the younger one. The game develops itself, it may be cutting out, pasting, making things, clicking stones together, dropping toys on each other, shooting sucker darts at Barbie or Action Man, scribbling. As an experienced Family Entertainments Officer I know that what may entertain at a particular time is purely arbitrary. Knocking things down is always popular though, or otherwise spoiling what takes you some time and effort.'

'That's disappointing isn't it?'

'Not at all. So long as they are quiet, they can screw up my paper planes and knock my Lego down all day.'

So spoke an experienced, professional Famento, who got the job and and they all lived disfunctionally ever after. Back to our normal family who can't afford luxuries and we will now look at an extra, non-optional, thing that our Famento is expected to do. Normally on Sundays he must be Entertainments Officer for his wife. The onus is upon him, if the next week is to be negotiated at all smoothly, to make the day satisfactory. (he can aim no higher.) This means going out, and going 'somewhere different.' He will receive no guidelines other than this, but he knows from experience it must not be 'crowded' or 'dead', no flies, no mud, no queues, no rain, no wind, no hills, no flat......This sounds difficult, and so it is, impossible actually, but you are not expected to fully succeed. Having had a good day 'except' one grievance, minor, but which can be grumbled about, is a victory for the Family Entertainments Officer. The complete success has not yet been achieved. The closest was Crichton, our best, visiting a Garden Centre in Chelmsford in 1989, where the pansies were too yellow. Speaking of Crichton, he originated one very effective ploy in eating out when 'Going Somewhere Different'. As meals should be very good and relatively cheap, he would surreptitiously pay mine host the full price beforehand, then was charged about half. It was still a bit too dear, as they always are, but it helped, and that's the best you can expect.

Good luck.

Peter ;)

No offence ladies I love you all :D
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